When I was in my 20s, I saw my very first psychotherapy client. I was a Ph.D. student in clinical psychology at Berkeley. She was a 26-year-old woman named Alex. Now Alex walked into her first session wearing jeans and a big slouchy top, and she dropped onto the couch in my office and kicked off her flats and told me she was there to talk about guy problems. Now when I heard this, I was so relieved. My classmate got an arsonist for her first client.
当我20⼏岁时， 我见到了我的第⼀个需要精神疗法的病⼈。 当时我是⼀个在伯克利⼤学 读临床⼼理学的Ph.D学⽣。 她是⼀位叫Alex的26岁⼥性。 第⼀次会⾯时Alex穿了 ⽜仔裤以及略微不修边幅的上⾐， 进来后直接坐到我办公室中的沙发上， 踢掉她的鞋⼦， 然后跟我说她是来跟我讲男性问题的。 当我听到这个时，我松了⼀⼜⽓。 我的⼀个同学的第⼀个病⼈是⼀个纵⽕犯。
And I got a twentysomething who wanted to talk about boys. This I thought I could handle. But I didn't handle it. With the funny stories that Alex would bring to session, it was easy for me just to nod my head while we kicked the can down the road. "Thirty's the new 20," Alex would say, and as far as I could tell, she was right. Work happened later, marriage happened later, kids happened later, even death happened later. Twentysomethings like Alex and I had nothing but time.
所以说，我有⼀个⼆⼗⼏岁的⼈ 想跟我谈谈男⽣。 我以为我能处理好这事。但我没能办到。 Alex在每⼀次会⾯时 都会带来好笑的故事， 因此对我⽽⾔点点头， 不断拖延出结果的时间是⼀件⾮常轻松的事情。Alex会说“三⼗就是新的⼆⼗”， ⽽且就我知道的，她是对的。 ⼯作要以后才有，结婚以后才有， 孩⼦以后才有，连死亡都是以后才有。 像Alex和我⼀样是⼆⼗⼏岁的⼈除了时间外⼀⽆所有。
But before long, my supervisor pushed me to push Alex about her love life. I pushed back. I said, "Sure, she's dating down, she's sleeping with a knucklehead, but it's not like she's going to marry the guy." And then my supervisor said, "Not yet, but she might marry the next one. Besides, the best time to work on Alex's marriage is before she has one."
但没过多久，我的监督就催我 开始推动Alex的爱情⽣活。 我拒绝了。我说：“没错，她现在在约会， 她和⼀个笨蛋同床， 但这并不表⽰她会和他结婚。”然后我的监督说： “现在还没，但她可能会和下⼀个这样的⼈结婚。 再说，在Alex的婚事上花费精⼒的最好时间 就是在她结婚之前。”
That's what psychologists call an "Aha!" moment. That was the moment I realized, 30 is not the new 20. Yes, people settle down later than they used to, but that didn't make Alex's 20s a developmental downtime. That made Alex's 20s a developmental sweet spot, and we were sitting there, blowing it. That was when I realized that this sort of benign neglect was a real problem, and it had real consequences, not just for Alex and her love life but for the careers and the families and the futures of twentysomethings everywhere.
这就是⼼理学家们所说的“原来如此！”瞬间。 在那⼀瞬间，我明⽩了三⼗岁并不是新的⼆⼗岁。 没错，⼈们⽐以前更晚安顿下来， 但这并不说明Alex的⼆⼗⼏岁这个时间段是她的发展低⾕。 这使Alex的⼆⼗⼏岁⼀个发展的良好时期， ⽽我们就坐在那⼉荒废它。 这时我才明⽩这种“善意的疏忽” 是⼀个⾮常现实的问题，⽽且它有严重的后果， 不仅是对于Alex和她的爱情⽣活 也对于各地的⼆⼗⼏岁的⼈的 家庭与未来。
There are 50 million twentysomethings in the United States right now. We're talking about 15 percent of the population, or 100 percent if you consider that no one's getting through adulthood without going through their 20s first.
现在美国有⼤约5千万⼆⼗⼏岁的⼈。 这⼤概是总⼈⼜的15%，或者说100%如果你考虑到 没⼈能在不经历⼆⼗⼏岁这个阶段的情况下经过成⼈期。
Raise your hand if you're in your 20s. I really want to see some twentysomethings here. Oh, yay! You are all awesome. If you work with twentysomethings, you love a twentysomething, you're losing sleep over twentysomethings, I want to see — Okay. Awesome, twentysomethings really matter.
如果你是⼆⼗⼏岁的话举⼀下⼿。 我⾮常想在这⼉看到⼀些⼆⼗⼏岁的⼈。 太好了！你们都棒极了。 如果你和⼆⼗⼏岁的⼈⼯作，如果你爱⼀个⼆⼗⼏岁的⼈， 如果你因为⼆⼗⼏岁的⼈⽽失眠，我就想看到— 好的。棒极了，⼆⼗⼏岁的⼈⾮常重要。
So, I specialize in twentysomethings because I believe that every single one of those 50 million twentysomethings deserves to know what psychologists, sociologists, neurologists and fertility specialists already know: that claiming your 20s is one of the simplest, yet most transformative, things you can do for work, for love, for your happiness, maybe even for the world.
我专门研究⼆⼗⼏岁的⼈，因为我相信 这5千万个⼆⼗⼏岁的⼈中每⼀个 都应该知道每⼀个⼼理学家， 社会学家，神经学家以及⽣育专家 都知道的： 那就是把握你的⼆⼗岁这⼀个阶段是最简单的， 但又是最有影响⼒的你能为 你的职业，爱情，幸福， 甚⾄是全世界做的事。
This is not my opinion. These are the facts. We know that 80 percent of life's most defining moments take place by age 35. That means that eight out of 10 of the decisions and experiences and "Aha!" moments that make your life what it is will have happened by your mid-30s. People who are over 40, don't panic. This crowd is going to be fine, I think. We
这不是我的观点。这是事实。 我们知道⼀个⼈的⼀⽣中的80%的最重要的时刻 发⽣在35岁。 这就意味着每10个 决定你的⽣命会是什么样的的经历与“原来如此！”时刻 中有8个发⽣在三⼗岁中旬。超过40岁的⼈，别慌。 我估计这个观众没问题。
We know that the first 10 years of a career has an exponential impact on how much money you're going to earn. We know that more than half of Americans are married or are living with or dating their future partner by 30. We know that the brain caps off its second and last growth spurt in your 20s as it rewires itself for adulthood, which means that whatever it is you want to change about yourself, now is the time to change it. We know that personality changes more during your 20s than at any other time in life, and we know that female fertility peaks at age 28, and things get tricky after age 35. So your 20s are the time to educate yourself about your body and your options.
我们知道⼀份职业中的前10年 对于你将会挣多少钱 有⾮常⼤的影响。我们知道超过⼀半的美国⼈ 30岁之前就和终⽣伴侣结婚， 同居，或者在约会。 我们知道⼤脑在你⼆⼗⼏岁时 为了适应成⼈期 达到第⼆次也是最后⼀次成长期的⾼峰， 这说明⽆论你想改变你⾃⼰的什么， 现在就是改变它的时间。 我们知道相⽐⼈⽣其他阶段 ⼆⼗岁时的个性变化最⼤， ⽽且我们也知道⼥性的繁殖能⼒在28岁时达到峰顶， 到35岁之后事情就有点难办了。 因此你的⼆⼗⼏岁这个时间段就是 告诉⾃⼰⾃⼰的⾝体状况以及未来的选择的时候。
So when we think about child development, we all know that the first five years are a critical period for language and attachment in the brain. It's a time when your ordinary, day-to-day life has an inordinate impact on who you will become. But what we hear less about is that there's such a thing as adult development, and our 20s are that critical period of adult development.
因此当我们说到⼉童发展， 我们都知道前5年是⼤脑发展 语⾔和爱慕的关键时期。 这是⼀个你的每⽇⽣活都会对你的未来 产⽣巨⼤影响的时间段。 但是我们听到的⽐较少的就是有⼀个东西叫 成⼈发展，⽽我们的⼆⼗岁这个阶段 就是成⼈发展的关键时期。
But this isn't what twentysomethings are hearing. Newspapers talk about the changing timetable of adulthood. Researchers call the 20s an extended adolescence. Journalists coin silly nicknames for twentysomethings like "twixters" and "kidults."As a culture, we have trivialized what is actually the defining decade of adulthood.
但这并不是⼆⼗⼏岁的⼈所听到的。 报纸在描述成⼈的时间表的变更， 研究⼈员把⼆⼗⼏岁叫做延长的青春期。 新闻记者在给⼆⼗⼏岁的⼈附加愚蠢的外号， ⽐如“中间者”和“成年⼉童”。 这是真的。作为⼀种⽂化，我们把实际上是成⼈期中最重要的⼀个⼗年 列为不重要的东西。
Leonard Bernstein said that to achieve great things, you need a plan and not quite enough time.Isn't that true? So what do you think happens when you pat a twentysomething on the head and you say, "You have 10 extra years to start your life"? Nothing happens. You have robbed that person of his urgency and ambition, and absolutely nothing happens.
伦纳德 伯恩斯坦说过如果想办成⼤事， 就需要⼀个计划和不⾜够的时间。 这不对吗？ 所以说当你 拍⼀个⼆⼗⼏岁的⼈的头然后说：“你还有额外的⼗年才开始⽣活”时你认为会发⽣什么？ 什么也不会发⽣。 你剥夺了那个⼈的紧迫感以及志向， 但是什么都没发⽣。
And then every day, smart, interesting twentysomethings like you or like your sons and daughters come into my office and say things like this: "I know my boyfriend's no good for me, but this relationship doesn't count. I'm just killing time." Or they say, "Everybody says as long as I get started on a career by the time I'm 30, I'll be fine."
然后每天就有像你们的⼉⼦或者⼥⼉⼀样 既聪明又有趣的⼆⼗⼏岁的⼈ 跑到我的办公室跟我说 “我知道我的男朋友对我⼀点好处都没有， 但这段感情不算数。我只是在消耗时间。” 或者是“⼤家都说只要我在30岁之前 开始我的职业就没问题。”这⼀类的话。
But then it starts to sound like this: "My 20s are almost over, and I have nothing to show for myself. I had a better résumé the day after I graduated from college." And then it starts to sound like this: "Dating in my 20s was like musical chairs. Everybody was running around and having fun, but then sometime around 30 it was like the music turned off and everybody started sitting down. I didn't want to be the only one left standing up, so sometimes I think I married my husband because he was the closest chair to me at 30."
但后来他们就开始讲： “我的⼆⼗岁快结束了，但我没什么可以展现的。 我毕业那天最好写写⾃⼰的简历。”之后他们开始讲： “⼆⼗⼏岁时的约会就像玩抢座位游戏。 ⼤家跑来跑去，乐在其中， 但到30岁左右⾳乐就停掉了， ⼤家⼀个接⼀个开始坐下。 我不想成为唯⼀⼀个站着的⼈， 因此有时候我觉得我和我丈夫结婚的原因 就是因为在我30岁时他是距我最近的‘椅⼦’。”
Where are the twentysomethings here? Do not do that. Okay, now that sounds a little flip, but make no mistake, the stakes are very high. When a lot has been pushed to your 30s, there is enormous thirtysomething pressure to jump-start a career, pick a city, partner up, and have two or three kids in a much shorter period of time. Many of these things are incompatible, and as research is just starting to show, simply harder and more stressful to do all at once in our 30s.
这⾥的⼆⼗⼏岁的⼈在哪⼉？ 别做这种事。好吧，刚才那听起来可能有⼀点轻浮，但是别搞错， 在这⾥筹码⾮常⾼。 当很多事情被推到三⼗⼏岁再做时， 在你的三⼗岁这个阶段就有在极短的时间内 开始⼀个职业，挑选⼀个城市，找到⼀个伴侣 并且⽣⼏个孩⼦的巨⼤压⼒。 这些事情中有很多是不兼容的， ⽽且就如研究开始表明， 在三⼗⼏岁这个阶段同时完成这么多事 的压⼒以及难度实在是太⼤了。
The post-millennial midlife crisis isn't buying a red sports car. It's realizing you can't have that career you now want. It's realizing you can't have that child you now want, or you can't give your child a sibling. Too many thirtysomethings and forty somethings look at themselves, and at me, sitting across the room, and say about their 20s, "What was I doing? What was I thinking?" I want to change what twentysomethings are doing and thinking.
上个千年之后的中年危机 不在于能否买⼀辆红⾊的敞篷车。 是在于发现⾃⼰的职业不是⾃⼰想要的。 是在于发现你⽆法⽣你想要的孩⼦， 或者⽆法给⾃⼰的孩⼦⼀个同胞。 有太多太多的三⼗⼏岁的⼈和四⼗⼏岁的⼈ 先看看⾃⼰，然后看看坐在房间另⼀边的我， 然后讨论他们的⼆⼗⼏岁这个时间段。 “我当时在做什么？我当时在想什么？”我想改变⼆⼗⼏岁的⼈ 的所做与所思。
Here's a story about how that can go. It's a story about a woman named Emma. At 25, Emma came to my office because she was, in her words, having an identity crisis. She said she thought she might like to work in art or entertainment, but she hadn't decided yet, so she'd spent the last few years waiting tables instead. Because it was cheaper, she lived with a boyfriend who displayed his temper more than his ambition.
我来讲⼀个关于如何这么做的故事。 这是⼀个关于⼀位叫Emma的⼥性的故事。 25岁时，Emma来到我的办公室 因为她，⽤她的话来讲，正在经历⼀个⾝份危机。 她说她认为她想从事艺术 或者娱乐，但她还没决定， 所以前⼏年她花在做服务员上了。 因为⽐较便宜，她和她那 展现脾⽓⽐志向更频繁的男朋友住在⼀起。
And as hard as her 20s were, her early life had been even harder. She often cried in our sessions, but then would collect herself by saying, "You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends."
⽽⽆论她的⼆⼗⼏岁有多么困难， 她以前的⽣活更困难。 她在会⾯时经常哭， 但会说“你⽆法选择你的家庭，但是你能选择你的朋友。”然后平定下来。
Well one day, Emma comes in and she hangs her head in her lap, and she sobbed for most of the hour. She'd just bought a new address book, and she'd spent the morning filling in her many contacts, but then she'd been left staring at that empty blank that comes after the words "In case of emergency, please call ..." She was nearly hysterical when she looked at me and said, "Who's going to be there for me if I get in a car wreck? Who's going to take care of me if I have cancer?"
有⼀天，Emma⾛进来， 把头放在膝盖上， 然后哭了近⼀个⼩时。她刚买了⼀个新的地址薄， 然后她花了⼀个上午填她的联系⼈， 但是她只能呆呆的看着 “在紧急情况下，请拨打..." 这⼀串字后⾯的空⽩。 她近歇斯底⾥的看着我并说： “如果我出车祸了谁会照顾我？ 如果我的癌症了谁会照顾我？”
Now in that moment, it took everything I had not to say, "I will." But what Emma needed wasn't some therapist who really, really cared. Emma needed a better life, and I knew this was her chance. I had learned too much since I first worked with Alex to just sit there while Emma's defining decade went parading by.
当时，我花了很⼤⼒⽓ 才避免说“我会”。 但Emma需要的并不是⼀位⾮常⾮常关⼼ 她的治疗师。 Emma需要⼀个更好的⽣活，⽽且我知道这是她的机会。⾃从我在Alex⾝上下功夫后我学到了很多， 所以我不会让Emma那具有决定作⽤的⼗年 就这么流逝掉。
So over the next weeks and months, I told Emma three things that every twentysomething, male or female, deserves to hear.
所以在接下来的⼏周和⼏个⽉中， 我告诉了Emma 三个每个⼆⼗⼏岁的⼈，不论男⼥， 都应该听到东西。
First, I told Emma to forget about having an identity crisis and get some identity capital. By "get identity capital," I mean do something that adds value to who you are. Do something that's an investment in who you might want to be next. I didn't know the future of Emma's career, and no one knows the future of work, but I do know this: Identity capital begets identity capital. So now is the time for that cross country job, that internship, that startup you want to try. I'm not discounting twentysomething exploration here, but I am discounting exploration that's not supposed to count, which, by the way, is not exploration. That's procrastination. I told Emma to explore work and make it count.
⾸先，我告诉Emma忘了她的⾝份危机 然后开始积累⾝份资本。 我所说的“积累⾝份资本”就是指 为你⾃⼰增加价值。 做⼀项对你接下来想是什么样⼦的 的投资。 我当时不知道Emma的职业的未来，⽽且没⼈知道⾃⼰的⼯作的未来，但是我知道这些： ⾝份资本会招来更多的⾝份资本。 这是接受那份跨国职业， 那份实习和你想试试的那个起步的时候。 我不是在漠视⼆⼗⼏岁的⼈的探索， 但是我在漠视毫⽆意义的探索， ⽽且那些按道理来讲不能叫探索。 那叫拖延时间。 我叫Emma试验各种⼯作⽽且让它们算数。
Second, I told Emma that the urban tribe is overrated. Best friends are great for giving rides to the airport, but twentysomethings who huddle together with like-minded peers limit who they know, what they know, how they think, how they speak, and where they work. That new piece of capital, that new person to date almost always comes from outside the inner circle. New things come from what are called our weak ties, our friends of friends of friends. So yes, half of twentysomethings are un- or under-employed. But half aren't, and weak ties are how you get yourself into that group. Half of new jobs are never posted, so reaching out to your neighbor's boss is how you get that unposted job. It's not cheating. It's the science of how information spreads.
其次，我告诉Emma城市部落被⾼估了。 找好朋友来搭车⾄机场很棒， 但⼆⼗⼏岁的⼈若和思维⽅式 相似的同龄⼈聚在⼀起，他们所知道的⼈， 他们所知道的事，他们的思维⽅式，他们的讲话⽅式以及他们的⼯作地点就会受到限制。 那个新的资本，那个新的可以约出去的⼈ ⼏乎总是从内部圈⼦之外来的。 新的事物从我们所谓的微弱的联系中来， ⽐如我们的朋友的朋友的朋友。 是的，⼤概有⼀半的⼆⼗⼏岁的⼈未就业或者未充分就业。 但有⼀半不是这样的，⽽微弱的联系 就是把你⾃⼰加⼊那⼀个团体的⽅式。 有⼀半的新职位不会被张贴出来， ⽽联系到你的邻居的⽼板 就是你拿到那份未被张贴的⼯作的⽅法。 这不是作弊。这是关于信息如何传递的科学。
Last but not least, Emma believed that you can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends. Now this was true for her growing up, but as a twentysomething, soon Emma would pick her family when she partnered with someone and created a family of her own. I told Emma the time to start picking your family is now.
最后，Emma相信 ⼀个⼈不能选择家庭，但可以选择朋友。 在她的成长过程中这是没错的， 但作为⼀个⼆⼗⼏岁的⼈，很快Emma就要通过 和某⼈结伴，创造⼀个家庭 来选择她⾃⼰的家庭。 我告诉Emma选择家庭的时间就是现在。
Now you may be thinking that 30 is actually a better time to settle down than 20, or even 25, and I agree with you. But grabbing whoever you're living with or sleeping with when everyone on Facebook starts walking down the aisle is not progress. The best time to work on your marriage is before you have one, and that means being as intentional with love as you are with work. Picking your family is about consciously choosing who and what you want rather than just making it work or killing time with whoever happens to be choosing you.
你可能会认为30岁是⼀个 ⽐20岁，甚⾄是25岁更好的 安定下来的时间， ⽽且我也同意。 但当你在别的⼈开始进⼊结婚礼堂时 抓紧和你同居或睡觉的⼈ 不叫进步。 在婚事上下功夫的最好时间 就是结婚之前，意思就是对待爱情就要像对待⼯作⼀样 富有意识。 选择家庭就是有意识的选择 你想要的⼈和物 ⽽不是单单想让事情成功或者和 选择你的那个⼈浪费时间。
So what happened to Emma? Well, we went through that address book, and she found an old roommate's cousin who worked at an art museum in another state. That weak tie helped her get a job there. That job offer gave her the reason to leave that live-in boyfriend. Now, five years later, she's a special events planner for museums. She's married to a man she mindfully chose. She loves her new career, she loves her new family, and she sent me a card that said, "Now the emergency contact blanks don't seem big enough."
那Emma后来怎么样了？ 嗯，我们翻了翻那个地址薄， 然后她发现她的⼀个⽼室友的⼀位亲⼈ 在另⼀个州的⼀个艺术博物馆⼯作。 那个微弱的联系帮她在那⾥找到⼀份⼯作。 那份⼯作给她⼀个 离开她的同居男友的理由。 现在，5年过去了，她是⼀些博物馆的特殊活动规划者。她和⼀位她有意识地选择了的⼈结婚了。 她爱她的新职业，她爱他的新家庭， 她还给我⼀张上⾯写着 “现在紧急联系⼈⼀栏 似乎不够⼤了。”的卡⽚。
Now Emma's story made that sound easy, but that's what I love about working with twentysomethings. They are so easy to help. Twentysomethings are like airplanes just leaving LAX, bound for somewhere west. Right after takeoff, a slight change in course is the difference between landing in Alaska or Fiji. Likewise, at 21 or 25 or even 29, one good conversation, one good break, one good TED Talk, can have an enormous effect across years and even generations to come.
Emma的故事让这件事听起来⾮常简单， 但这就是我喜欢和⼆⼗⼏岁的⼈⼯作的原因。 要帮助他们实在太容易了。 ⼆⼗⼏岁的⼈就像刚离开洛杉矶国际机场的 ⽬的地在西边某地的航班。 起飞之后，航线的⼀个⼩调整 就是落在阿拉斯加还是落在斐济的区别。 同理，在21岁或者25岁甚⾄是29岁时， ⼀个好的聊天，⼀次好的休息， ⼀个好的TED演讲可以对接下来的 ⼏年甚⾄是⼏代⼈有⾮常⼤的影响。
So here's an idea worth spreading to every twentysomething you know. It's as simple as what I learned to say to Alex. It's what I now have the privilege of saying to twenty somethings like Emma every single day: Thirty is not the new 20, so claim your adulthood, get some identity capital, use your weak ties, pick your family. Don't be defined by what you didn't know or didn't do. You're deciding your life right now. Thank you.
这⾥给出⼀个值得传播给 每个你认识的⼆⼗⼏岁的⼈的想法。 它和我学到的该跟Alex说的话⼀样简单。 它就是现在我有权利 每天对像Emma⼀样的⼆⼗⼏岁的⼈说的话： 30岁不再是新的20岁，所以把握好你的成年时期， 积累⼀些⾝份资本，利⽤你的微弱联系 并且选择好你的家庭。 别被你不知道的事或者没做的事 定义。 现在你就在决定你的⽣命，谢谢
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